Ann Coulter Concerned For Personal Security At Dec. 7 UConn Appearance

Dec. 2 STORRS -- Conservative provocateur Ann Coulter told host Bill O'Reilly of the Fox News "O'Reilly Factor" program yesterday that security concerns force her to employ a security detail when appearing on college campuses. The violence is caused by "liberals' inability to formulate an argument," claimed Coulter.

Coulter has reason for concern. Last year during an speech at the University of Arizona in Tucson, Coulter was attacked by pie wielding agents of "Al Pieda," a splinter cell of the Phoenix Anarchist Coalition.

Safety News sources in the Connecticut anarchist community are warning of similar acts of resistance planned for Coulter's Dec. 7 visit to the University of Connecticut.

What should Coulter's security detail be prepared for, to keep Dec. 7, 2005 from becoming another date of infamy? Our off the record sources in the anti-Coulter insurgency and in campus law enforcement painted several frightening scenarios:

Paintball Gun Ambushes

An expanding gas cartridge (usually carbon dioxide, nitrogen or air) forces a paintball through a paintball gun barrel at a muzzle velocity of approximately 300ft/s (100m/s). Some paintball guns, for example the CO2 cartridge powered semi-automatic .40 Caliber Splatmatic XJ40, have an effective range of over 150 yards (137 meters). Paintball velocity is sufficient for most paintballs to break upon impact, but not fast enough to cause tissue damage beyond mild bruising. Being hit in the eye by a paintball, however, is when it stops being fun and games.

This kind of firepower in the hands of Al Pieda means Coulter's security team will have to go well beyond traditional bodyguard tactics and must be prepared to conduct rooftop sweeps and employ counter-sniper teams similar to those employed by the United States Secret Service when protecting President George W. Bush (R-TX).

IEP's

As direct frontal assaults on Coulter have resulted in the arrest and prosecution of activists, the use by the insurgency of remotely triggered IEP's, or improvised explosive pies, has not become more common, unfortunately. But it ought to, because that would be super freaking cool if Al Pieda had that kind of technical sophistication, sources tell Safety News.

Direct Action

Safety News sources tell Safety News that direct action is probably the best bet for shutting down this evil hate witch's pro-occupation, pro-regime, pro-genocide propaganda and noxious poison. "We should invade [Muslim] countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity," was Coulter's infamous contribution to the discussion of how to respond to 9/11. A thousand students rioting in Jorgensen Hall will probably shut her down. Remember, bulky jackets are NOT allowed, so agents will have to smuggle in weapons, rotten fruit, and tasty confections using other means.

"Good luck agents," said an off the record deep background Saftey News source on condition of anonymity.