Insomniac Horoscopes

The future is a dark, desolate place. Until now…

Aries (March 21-April 19) – There are forces working in your favor. Evil, evil forces that should not be trusted.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Someone close to you may develop strange symptoms that will cause you to panic. Check for ram horns and lizard tales among your friend group.

Gemini (May21 – June 20) – You will feel the need to drunk text an ex significant other. You should do that. What could possibly go wrong?

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Responsibility might hold you back from new opportunities. Fuck those responsibilities and charge head first into the unknown.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) – It is time to learn something new. A foreign language, a new hobby, the secret long lost incantations of Cthulhu. The possibilities are endless.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)- Ugh, does it even matter? Life is pointless.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) – Love will conquer all. So just keep following them and watching them until they love you. They will fold over time.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – Group activities might be a little unsettling for you today. Avoid the monthly community séance. If you must leave home bring a small silver blade for protection, in case tempers flare.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – It is time to make a move towards career advancement. Do this at all costs, even if it means making your supervisor “disappear.”

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)- A mysterious map will be the key to your financial independence. Try not to splurge too much until then!

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)- The new moon might bring more complications to your already complicated life. Do not trust the darkness. It is only under the full moon where your powers are strongest.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – During the Gemini moon your phone will ring three times. Answer it and get the next clue to world domination.